Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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