ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
