TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
