people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
