and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize