Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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