dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
