a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
