Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she told me i tasted like america
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
