I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
