Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize