It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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