Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
