The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize