i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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