He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
