I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
