Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
