I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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