her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
