My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
