He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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