Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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