My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
