we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
