ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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