Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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