I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
