Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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