Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
