I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
