dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize