I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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