3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
