It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
