don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
