i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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