oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
