They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
