we're chasing vodka with high fives
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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