I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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