: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
