apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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