she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
