tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
