my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
