You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
