why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
