Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
