He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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