You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
