I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Text me some of your sweat
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
